There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
