I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
