I wanna passion pit in your ass
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
