So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
