she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
