Need sex. Gaining weight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
