I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
