Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
