He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
