You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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