mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
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