Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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