I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
