my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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