She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
