I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
