i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
