I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
