I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
