So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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