No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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