be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
