You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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