I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
