I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
