i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
