she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
