I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
