You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
