Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
