I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
