Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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