I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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