i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
