Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
