Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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