I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
