sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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