Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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