Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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