Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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