is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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