I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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