Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
