I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
