The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
no, he came in my armpit
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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