just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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