smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize