THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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