her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
