You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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