were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
