If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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