she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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