You just made me feel so damn special
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
